The most underrated self-care for women? Getting paid.

How to make sure money is coming your way. Plus a rant.

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

Some personal thoughts on why it is so important for women to be PAID

I’ve had a few conversations about money lately that have blown my mind.

A super smart, professionally qualified friend of mine - in her 50s, with multiple books under her belt and published by the top house in the UK - has started writing a magazine column. She is not being paid.

Another wise, revered friend - also an author with celebrity clients - has had her latest book proposals turned down. Why? Because her 20k social media followers are deemed not enough. Her talent, experience and impact are apparently irrelevant without those inflated numbers so she was advised to spend her time working out the impossible algorithms of social media to increase an abstract number, before she can even think about being paid to write more books…which is her actual job.

(Also…when did an audience of 20,000 people become ‘not enough’?)

And here’s my own embarrassing confession:

I realised I haven’t even sent invoices for months of freelance work last year. Not because I’m rolling in cash (HA!) but because ADHD overwhelm has paralysed me. I love writing, SURE, but it also needs to pay my outrageous water bill. And yet here I am, letting all this work go unpaid. I’m so horrified at this.

As different as these three examples are, they point to the same rot underneath.

We have all been raised to accept that it’s not the end of the world of women don’t get paid for their labour. It begins in the home, where we still do the larger percentage of housework and childcare, while holding all the emotional labour. These silent expectations we’ve seen for generations, in our families and our homes, then filter into the workplace and our own psyches.

We applaud women for becoming teachers, nurses, social workers carers – confusingly framed as essential and honorable professions while also being underpaid, overworked and consistently villanised. What’s even more unpalatable is how these roles are framed as ‘vocations’ and ‘callings’, as if women would be doing them regardless of money changing hands.

If our labour falls under the category of creative, It is viewed it as some kind of superhobby, something we should feel lucky to do and offer up as if its a sponsored run for charity.

Part time work was supposed to create more flexibilty and choice in the employment market – which it certainly has – but here’s the rub; where are the men in part time roles? It is women, specifically mothers, who fill these positions to fit around school timings and their childrens’ needs. As I know personally from my current role as a fashion academic, a part time role rarely means part time hours, just part time pay.

And yet, when women pivot to making money through less “acceptable” routes - influencing, affiliate links, creative entrepreneurship - they’re criticised for ‘selling out’ (whatever the fuck that phrase means in 2025), wanting financial independence or, GOD FORBID….just more money.

Meanwhile, unpaid ‘opportunities’ are dressed up as flattery and entire industries (hello MLMs) thrive by targeting vulnerable women (again, the prime target is always new mothers) promising flexible work and empowerment while delivering neither.

And yet…we are bombarded daily with messages about self-care. Buy the £60 bath oil! Light the £45 candle! Make yourself an indulgent hot chocolate with fancy marshmallows and drink it while reading instead of doom scrolling! The idea of looking after yourself is always packaged in consumerism and ultimately, spending money instead of earning it.

While we bicker in the comments sections, here’s the uncomfortable truth on the horizon…

Work is going to change dramatically for all of us because of AI.

I know this from my role in academia, the research is coming through at a rate we can’t keep up with. From everything I know about the future of work, the single most important skill we can sharpen now is the ability to pivot. BUT we can’t begin to do this without accepting the need to take up space.

We also cannot chastise Generation Alpha for wanting to be YouTubers when according to Forbes latest report, 92 million jobs are expected to be displaced by 2030, while 170 million new jobs will be created within emerging markets. All of this means we have little idea how we will make money in the future so we need to be more open minded and less judgmental.

This list is adapted from notes I had written for myself, when I realised that as a solo parent with two children and a patchwork of random income streams, I need to take myself and my right to earn money for my skills and labour more seriously. Maybe something here could help you too.

Negotiate your freelance/consulting rates. Research industry standards and DO NOT undersell yourself.

Send the fucking invoices. Please don’t be like me, I’m an idiot who can’t manage my time or to-do list well. Chase late payments.

Claim every tax deduction you’re entitled to. Don’t just guess, actually check what is applicable to your work. There’s more than you think.

Ask banks to clear fees. They absolutely have the power to do this AND WILL. You just need to ask.

Charge for no-shows and late cancellations. Your time is actual money.

Always ask what the budget is. Don’t assume there isn’t one. Know that SOMEONE on the job is getting paid.

Talk openly about money and rates with other women. Normalise it, because there is no other way for us to find out how level the playing field is.

Set firm boundaries around unpaid work. Know your personal red lines and walk away if they’re crossed.

Make sure you are having regular appraisals at work. Put progress goals in writing. Ask for the specific details on how to be promoted.

Look at roles more senior than yours. Are you doing that work already? Use the info to negotiate a promotion.

In a new job, negotiate the starting salary. They absolutely expect you to. Go in high and let them knock you down.

Apply for jobs you think you’re not qualified for. Men do it all the time and get hired.

Don’t work for exposure. Exposure doesn’t pay bills and has become the outrageous norm as people try to save money.

Reclaim every expense you’re entitled to. Keep receipts like they’re gold.

This isn’t just advice — it’s a reminder that it SHOULD NOT feel greedy, awkward, or just not very nice to expect to be paid for your work.

And as my mentor RuPaul has always told me “If they ain’t paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind”

With all of this in mind, it would be weird if I didn’t ask you to consider becoming a paid member of Chaotic Hearts Club. Writers desperately don’t want to become instinct.

As ever, onwards…

Stacey x